Two years ago, I set a gentle boundary with a significant person in my life. During our last encounter, they made a comment about my body. At that moment, I realized how often I had braced myself for such comments throughout our relationship. The comment lingered in my mind for weeks, echoing every time I got dressed. Even though I didn't believe the comment, I knew how deeply it could hurt if I did. Being just under three months pregnant, I knew my body would change drastically, and I needed to protect my experience of this transformation. So, I set a boundary.
I expressed that I needed space until this issue was resolved and I felt better. I was honest and vulnerable, but it didn’t go well. This person rejected my boundary, giving all sorts of false apologies with a refusal for change which lead to the end of our relationship. I spent the first year of my baby’s life grieving that loss. The pain was deep and palpable. The sense of abandonment, especially since we had previously not spoken for over a decade due to a boundary I set at 14, was raw and overwhelming. I was engulfed by sadness, anger, disbelief, and confusion.
It took me a full year to grieve the loss.
I sat down today to write about the benefits of setting boundaries, and yet I had this resistance in my heart. Because setting boundaries can also include loss, and grief, and old wounds resurfacing.
And yet, boundaries are essential for preserving our mental health and well-being. They are the lines we draw to protect ourselves from harm, ensure our needs are met, and maintain our self-respect. Setting boundaries is a vital act of self-care, particularly in relationships where our needs might not be fully respected.
The Process of Setting Boundaries
Establishing boundaries involves clear and compassionate communication. It requires us to be honest with ourselves about what we need and to communicate those needs assertively but kindly to others. When setting boundaries, it’s important to be specific about what behaviour is unacceptable. We also need to be clear internally about what the consequences are if the boundary is crossed. Ideally we can share that consequence with the other person, but that is optional. But you yourself must know what the consequence is so you can uphold it.
Emotional Impact and Grieving
People think that setting boundaries is all about cutting others out of your life, but actually setting a boundary is an attempt to keep someone in your life whilst also minimising your own hurt or negative impact.
When a boundary is rejected, especially by a loved one, the emotional impact can be profound. Initially, I felt a mix of shock, confusion and sadness. Over time, this morphed into a deep sense of grief, and yet as more time passed, I felt relief. The stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—manifested in various ways as I mourned the relationship I had hoped to preserve. Confusion seeped through every stage. Eventually, after about a year, I arrived at acceptance.
Acceptance at the reaction. Gratitude to myself for speaking up for myself and setting a much-needed boundary. Forgiveness that this was the response. Acceptance at the loss and all the future losses, the missed hugs, the missed laughter. Every aspect of that loss, both now and in the future. Acceptance of the repeated cycles, and original wounds and losses.
Managing Grief
Throughout the grieving process, self-care practices were invaluable: using art, exercise, and spending time in nature also helped me navigate this drastic loss. Journaling helped me process my emotions, and processing what had happened with my sister who is my absolute rock. If you are navigating loss like this, reaching out to supportive family and friends is so important, and of course therapy if you need more space to process.
Each step of the way, I focused on self-compassion and allowed myself to feel and process the full range of emotions that arose. When sadness, or annoyance, or the repeated feeling of confusion and disbelief came, no matter when it was – no matter what I was doing - I would allow the feeling to wash over me. I would notice the thoughts, the triggers, and the sensations in my body. Whatever the trigger or the feeling, I tried hard not to ever judge myself and instead take a breath so I could simply notice what was arriving for me. The knowing that with this kind of loss, there isn’t a clear way forward. There probably isn’t a happy ending, and my perspective will likely never be heard or understood by the other party. It is painful, and has reverberated in my life, reawakening the wound of “not being heard” and seeing how that then plays out in keeping my mouth shut, or bringing a shortness and sharpness in my conflicts with my partner, and with that realisation, trying to change the story internally.
Personal Growth and Moving Forward
Despite the pain, this experience taught me invaluable lessons about self-respect and the importance of boundaries. I learned to prioritise my well-being and to stand firm in my needs, even when it meant facing significant loss. Even when the cost for my peace was grief.
Looking back, I see the positive changes that have come from this challenging experience. I have a stronger sense of self-respect, better mental health, and a clearer understanding of what I need in my relationships. One thing I have become acutely aware of is how this issue was actually representative of some deeper issues within my relationship that relationship, and how much energy I used to use trying to navigate that: I had whole scripts in my head to justify things to them, that over the last two years I have simply let go of. This has given me so much more inner peace.
Moving forward, I remain hopeful and committed to maintaining healthy boundaries. I've come to understand that setting boundaries is crucial for self-preservation. It's important to clarify that boundaries are not about control; each person retains their free will and may choose to disregard the boundary. However, that response provides clarity on the health of the relationship. Despite any loss, I encourage you to take time to process that loss.
Personally, there were many moments when I questioned my decision to set the boundary. Whenever feelings of panic arose, I recognized them as part of the grieving process—the absence of them. I revisited my reasons for setting the boundary. Was it necessary? Had my needs evolved since then? Had creating distance allowed me to heal? Is it worth having this person in my life at the cost of my mental health and confidence? Reverting the boundary would likely have resulted in repeating past conflicts.
Moreover, becoming a mother within this time has made me reflect on the importance of honouring boundaries. If my child were to set boundaries, I would unquestionably respect them to the best of my ability. It's a way of them saying, "This hurts me; please stop hurting me." My desire to foster a healthy relationship with my daughter and support her in becoming her truest self includes respecting her boundaries—not coercing her into a relationship. And I know now, more than ever before, that this is true for all relationships in my life.
A Message to Readers
If you are going through a similar experience, know that you are not alone. Setting boundaries is a courageous act of self-care, and while it can be incredibly painful when those boundaries are rejected, it is ultimately a step towards a healthier and more fulfilling life. The feeling of inner peace I now have sits with the grief: holding that hurt part of myself with a sense of knowing that I did what was right for me and my daughter. If you are going through something similar, take the time you need to grieve, practice self-care, and trust that you are making the best choice for your well-being.
It isn’t always easy, but it is worth it. Protect yourself, even when it hurts.
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