We all know the phrase "you can't pour from an empty cup" and so the rhetoric is fill it. Don't let it get empty. Fill the void.
It feels so rushed. The pressure, the need to fill it - fill, fill, fill the void. Squash the discomfort. Move into fixing. Bypass. Ignore. And yet...
I can't help but wonder recently... what would it mean to sit with the emptiness?
Exploring the Feeling of Emptiness
What would it feel like, in your body, to sit with the emptiness?
What comes up when we sit with the emptiness? What feelings? What words? What beliefs?
For me, the feeling that came up when I first decided to sit with it was panic. A panic shot through my body from my stomach through to my throat. And then a barrage of words. Judgements.
Facing Self-Judgement
There can be so much judgement there:
Why am I not better at dealing with it all?
Why haven't I managed to keep on top of my "self care"?
I can't keep asking for help and support, it's too much.
It's too selfish to put my self care as a priority when I have others relying on me.
I should be able to do it all. Everyone else seems to.
I can't keep asking for support. I'm a burden. I should be able to do it all on my own.
It's my fault my cup is empty. I can't even do this.
The Loudest voice: Fear
This judgement is shouting the loudest. In general, I have found that when I am exploring vulnerable spaces the loudest voice in my head is usually the one designed to stop me from looking any further. It used to shout so loudly I didn't even know there were other voices, talking softly, relaying deeper truths. The judgements shout loudly because they are there to prevent you from digging deeper. The mind is wonderful, and it also has a few tricks that keep us a bit stuck so it can be helpful here to take a breath. To acknowledge, wow those fears are fucking huge and could be a lot to carry if they were true. And yet, to persevere... is there something else here?
Curiosity Over Judgement
Curiosity is everything when exploring these vulnerable places within us. This panic that shot up through me... why is it there? Where have I felt it before? What is it from? What would it be like to be able to soften this space within myself? To feel calm there. What would I need for it to feel calm? What would it feel like without blame, towards others or myself? What are the needs I know I have but that I avoid, dismiss or minimise?
Reflecting on Your Needs
Taking this time to sit with it all, you can start to ask:
In my day-to-day life, what truly builds me up?
What (or who) drains my energy?
What (or who) do I need to say no to?
What do I need more of?
Structural support and patterns
Consider your structural supports:
Where can I source the support I need? This could be through friends, family, professional support, community. What prevents me from seeking that support? Why? Are they linked to any self-judgments I am holding?
How did I get to this place of emptiness? Is there a pattern here - either a belief, or perhaps even linked to my health - my sleep or my cycle? Do I need more specific, or different support, at different points within the month?
Types of Overwhelm
Generally there will be two types of circumstances which result in an empty cup. The first is a sudden overwhelm. For me it is often a freeze response and mental implosion. There are also times where it is an outward explosion - maybe this is a fight response, or simply a release.
The second is a gradual overwhelm. A drowning. Slow, hesitant, bobbing along but hitting both sides of the tunnel whilst you shuttle your way through. And despite the slow approach, more often than not for me, this results in an outward explosion - maybe a fight response, or simply a release.
Both are a total overwhelm. A clouding.
The Paradox of Saying No
The paradox of saying no: Why is it that when I'm offered help, the word no slips out so easily... but when I need to prioritise myself the word can get stuck in my throat?
We know already that saying no is an intrinsic part of self-care. The flipside to this is that saying yes to help is also vital. So if you think saying no is selfish - this is a double whammy! Say no to others and say yes to receive help. How does that sit within you? For me, I have an internal resistance to receive: compliments, gifts, help... it has all been a journey and still is. There are tips and techniques you can use to help: such as affirmations. And, you may also have to have conversations with supportive people to seek reassurance and to explain that you are working on these two things so they may see some changes.
If you want to receive free affirmations and journaling prompts to help with this, make sure you sign up to my newsletter where this week I will be sending out exclusive content to help you go deeper.
Body Scanning and Emotional Labelling
One of the most powerful techniques I've found is to connect with my body. You can start to do this with body scans: placing your hand over your entire body whilst thinking of the specific topic and seeing if you can sense energy in or around that part of your body. Get curious about the sensation, and if you feel confident, start to label the emotions or experiences you sense.
If you have not done this before it can be very helpful to have someone guide you through it - if you are doing it on your own, you need to be patient and simply allow for any awkwardness or judgements to arise so that you can do it anyway. For me, the first time I did this, it took a few tries and a bit of huffing and puffing and being generally fed up - but honestly, there is magic underneath the dismissive impulse.
Acknowledging Blame Thinking
Finally, let's acknowledge the blame thinking that often comes hand-in-hand with overwhelm and feeling depleted. Because quite frankly, we all know that we are being asked a lot of. We are being spread so thinly that of course we get overwhelmed - even those with great self care practices still feel overwhelmed, the difference is the recovery and the brevity. But the feeling is still there, even if it is fleeting. Because the truth is, we all have a lot going on. So there are some highly unrealistic expectations on ourselves (and sometimes from others, hello invisible load) to manage it all.
Moving Away From Blame Thinking
If we are constantly trying to meet all these demands, self-care can start to feel like just another task on an already overwhelming to-do list. When we view self-care this way, it often feels like yet another area where we are falling short. This mindset of blame thinking—where we criticize ourselves, or others, for not managing everything perfectly—only adds to our stress and feelings of inadequacy. Sometimes, it's important to acknowledge that things are just hard, and that it's not a personal failing. Life can be challenging, and it's natural to feel overwhelmed.
Rather than blaming ourselves, we can practice self-compassion. Recognise that it's okay to struggle, and that taking care of ourselves isn't about achieving perfection, but about honouring our needs. By shifting away from blame thinking, we can approach self-care as a form of self-respect and kindness, rather than an obligation. This perspective allows us to be gentler with ourselves and to appreciate the small steps we take towards well-being, even if they don't immediately solve all our problems.
Letting Go of Perfectionism in Self-Care
We can also take steps away from perfectionism within our self-care. Let go of the idea that if you don't engage in self-care every day, there's no point in doing it at all. Perfectionism can trap us in an all-or-nothing mindset, making us feel like we've failed if we can't maintain a perfect routine. Instead, embrace the concept that self-care is flexible and adaptive. It's okay to have days when you do less or need different types of care.
Embracing Self-Compassion
Self-care is not a checklist to complete but a continual practice of tuning into your needs and responding to them with kindness. Some days, self-care might be as simple as taking a few deep breaths or drinking a glass of water. On other days, it might involve more extensive practices like exercise or meditation. The key is to be present with yourself and to recognize that every small act of self-care counts and contributes to your overall well-being.
The Wisdom of Emptiness
By releasing the pressure to be perfect, we create more space for genuine self-compassion and allow ourselves to be human. This shift not only makes self-care more sustainable but also more enjoyable and meaningful. It becomes less about meeting an ideal and more about connecting with ourselves in a nurturing and realistic way.
Through sitting with our emptiness, we can discover the wisdom within us. We can see answers that offer a deeper sustainable response at preventing this cycle. We can touch this vulnerable part of ourselves with more compassion and understanding when we do become overwhelmed, because we see it less as a personal failing, and we welcome that deeper knowing that it is simply part of the human experience - and that through sitting with the emptiness, we can start to integrate the lessons from the experience, instead of rushing to fill the void.
Embracing Our Inner Wisdom
We can see that looking within isn't as scary as the judgemental voices that were shouting at us make out for it to be. And so when we feel that familiar sense of overwhelm creeping up within us, we don't fear it as much - we can start to let go of those judgements and start to hear the softer voices - perhaps even welcome them - to listen to their message telling us to slow down, to reconnect with ourselves, with our needs - to realign. There is such a wealth within us when we don't rush to fixing, but when we can sit with the emptiness.
Yorumlar