I used to think that setting boundaries with others was the hard part, but lately, I've realised that the real challenge lies in the boundaries I set with myself.
Setting Self-Boundaries
Setting self-boundaries means following through on the commitments you make to yourself - to build that essential trust within. But if I’m honest, there are many times when I fall short - when I don’t do the things I promised myself I would. And my self-trust is left feeling a little depleted.
This led me to reflect on how I approach those boundaries in the first place... Some of you have joined my workshop on "How to Set Boundaries, Lovingly", so you know this is a topic close to my heart. Yet, when it comes to setting self-boundaries, I’ve realised that I’ve often done so with a harsh energy—a critical tone, high expectations, and low warmth. It dawned on me that this reflected the way I was mothered as a child.
In my 20s, I spent a lot of energy silencing that harsh inner voice. You know the one - it’s the voice that picks apart your decisions, questions your worth, and amplifies every mistake. For years, my goal was simply to quiet this relentless critic, to neutralise the negativity so I could move forward without being constantly weighed down by self-doubt.
The Hidden Inner Critic
In general, I have neutralised that inner voice, so it was quite a surprise to me to see that when I set a self-boundary, it was there... hiding in the very energy of my intention. You see, the inner critic will remain even after neutralising its harsh words because it is a basic part of our brain function. So while the language may have softened, the underlying energy and intent persist. It’s like a silent presence, no longer hurling insults but still judging with a raised eyebrow and a heavy sigh. This silent critic can be just as paralysing, and as its existence often goes unnoticed, it can be harder to address.
The act of neutralising the critic is a significant achievement and should not be underrated, but silencing it alone doesn’t complete the healing process. And the more self-work I have done, the less I believe in silencing any part of yourself, and of course neutralising is just a form of silencing… it wont work… and, it wasn't enough. And - I didn't have to stop there. When I started my healing journey, my goal was to neutralise the impacts of abuse. And now I can see that I can raise my standards. Raise my aspirations.
The thing is, the inner critic is actually there to help us. It is one of your brain's mechanisms to protect you from harm, so it will always exist and therefore giving it more tools… kinder tools… means it will actually help you instead of lurking disparagingly in silence.
How to Recognise and Transform the Silent Critic
But how can we recognise this silent critic? The first step is to pay attention to the subtle feelings of doubt and judgment that arise when we set goals or make commitments to ourselves. These feelings are often a sign that the critic is still present, albeit in a quieter form. When you notice these feelings, pause and reflect on where they might be coming from. Is there a part of you that doubts your ability to follow through? Does that doubt carry the same energy as the critic you once silenced? Or, you may want to pay attention to your inner dialogue when you "fail" at something you set out to do. Do you berate yourself, does it seem to fall in line with a lack of self-belief... like a self-fulfilling prophecy?
Once you’ve recognised the critic, the next step is to engage with it consciously. Instead of allowing it to undermine your efforts, try to reframe its concerns in a more positive light. For example, if the critic is whispering, “You’ll never stick to this routine,” respond by acknowledging the difficulty but also reminding yourself of your strengths and past successes, and the fact that there will be days where you don’t stick to it, but you don’t need to do it exactly the same every day for it to have the impact you want. This process of engaging with the critic, rather than trying to silence it, can help transform it into a supportive inner voice.
This process raised an important question for me: how do you set boundaries lovingly with yourself?
I hadn’t even considered that this voice… the one that had been so critical and harsh… could be transformed into something else entirely. What if, instead of just silencing it, I could change it? What if that voice could become loving, gentle, supportive—something nurturing?
But by equipping the inner critic with kinder, more compassionate tools, it can become a helpful ally… a voice that guides us with encouragement rather than criticism. This shift from silencing to transforming is crucial because it acknowledges the critic’s role and redirects its energy in a more constructive direction.
And it means that when those very normal human moments come… the ones where you don’t believe you will follow through on something… instead of internalising it and personalising it to use it as a way to beat yourself up with the “I knew you didn’t have it in you” stick… instead you can see it for what it is: a completely normal, human experience of ebbs and flows in motivation.
So instead of having your whole energy focused on waiting for you to prove to yourself that you aren’t going to do the thing… in a very neutralised but defeating manner… instead we can empower ourselves to remember that when we are living our lives, it is the most human thing in the world to have moments of doubt, where we lack motivation... and to meet ourselves with gentle encouragement, curiosity and renewed self-belief.
As I began to shift my approach, I started noticing opportunities to practice this newfound self-compassion in everyday moments. For example, recently, I decided to start running again. The first week, everything seemed to go wrong, and I only had 10 minutes out of my hour long allocated running time. It would have been easy to skip the run, but a tentative voice inside reminded me, “You promised yourself… Are you going to show up for yourself, or are you going to bail?” I chose to run, even if just for three minutes. The following week, I had similar doubts and this time an even kinder voice spoke up... "I know you're doubting whether to do it or not... but how would you feel if you did it? Do you think it would make you feel proud?" I squeezed in a 20 minute run. The difference was profound—not in the duration, but in the way I approached it: with love and encouragement, not pressure.
I realised I was using the same tone and speech I use with my daughter, and that I was actively re-mothering myself.
Reparenting and Self-Nurturing
Transforming the inner critic naturally led me to another crucial aspect of self-care: reparenting. Reparenting yourself is about stepping into the role of the caregiver you always needed, offering yourself the kindness, compassion, and leadership that might have been missing in your upbringing. It’s not about criticising your actual parents but recognising that as an adult, you have the power and responsibility to meet your own needs in a way that fosters growth and healing.
Practical Ways to Reparent Yourself
This process involves validating your feelings, developing self-compassion, and practicing self-acceptance and self-respect. For example, instead of pushing yourself to go for a run out of guilt or obligation, reparenting involves encouraging yourself with kindness, acknowledging the effort regardless of the outcome, and celebrating the small victories. This approach empowers you to become your own source of support and nurturance, which in turn builds a deeper sense of self-trust.
You can start reparenting yourself in daily life by identifying the unmet needs from your childhood that continue to influence your behaviour today. Perhaps you felt unheard or undervalued as a child—how can you listen to and value yourself now? Maybe you lacked a sense of safety or structure—how can you create a stable, supportive environment for yourself today? By consciously addressing these needs with self-compassion, you can begin to heal old wounds and build a stronger, more resilient sense of self.
The Long-Term Benefits of Reparenting
The long-term benefits of reparenting are significant. It builds emotional resilience, self-trust and makes you feel better able to navigate life’s challenges with a sense of inner stability. You might also notice a stronger sense of identity, as you begin to align your actions with your true values and desires rather than the expectations or criticisms of others.
Impact on Relationships
One of the most profound effects of nurturing your inner voice and practicing self-compassion is the increased joy and fulfilment it brings to your relationships. As you become kinder to yourself, this positive energy naturally spills over into how you interact with others. For example, as a mother, you may find that you’re more patient and present with your children, and as a partner, you might communicate with greater understanding and empathy. You will of course also find you are less enmeshed in your relationships, and any game-playing – or “testing” of your partner becomes irrelevant, because instead of searching for safety from someone else, you feel safe in yourself.
Transforming Relationships Through Self-Compassion
This joy is contagious, creating a ripple effect that enhances the overall emotional climate of your family. Additionally, being mindful of how you speak to yourself can help you monitor and adjust how you communicate with others. For instance, if you notice yourself speaking harshly to your partner, it can be a signal that your inner dialogue needs attention. This awareness fosters a more loving and supportive environment for everyone involved.
Consider the way a gentle, compassionate inner voice might affect a difficult conversation. When you approach a discussion with kindness toward yourself, it becomes easier to extend that kindness to the other person. This shift can transform conflicts into opportunities for deeper connection and understanding.
And, interestingly, in response to my inner mother becoming more visible, I then started to notice my inner child a lot more.
Meeting the Inner Child
At first she was showing up as frustration. When my daughter (who currently loves sticker books) was joyfully sticking them all over the book... I felt a pull... to take some stickers so I could do them "properly" and make it "beautiful", instead of the haphazard joy my daughter was having. My inner child coming out to play... weighed down by perfectionism already!
When I tuned into this discomfort, which I was feeling mainly in my belly and my throat, I realised my inner child was screaming at me. Screaming because she was so used to being ignored. I tuned in. I let my daughter continue to play, and I ordered myself a sticker book, for me to do on my own. It might seem like a small thing, but allowing myself that joy, to indulge in the inner child, felt like a significant act of self-love. Interestingly, when the sticker book came, I did do it, but I found the activity itself wasn't as important as actually listening to, and meeting the need with compassion, instead of silencing a part of me that often goes unheard.
Similarly, after roller derby training, my eyes usually fixate on a chip shop I drive past on the way home. Every week I tell myself to wait for dinner until I get home. But one Sunday, I decided to stop. That kind inner voice had showed up again... "Yes, of course, we can get you that, darling.” “Yes, you can absolutely have that; we can change our plans…” just as I often say and do for my own daughter. And I ate the chips leaning on my car bonnet, with the wind blowing, as I looked out onto the beautiful moors that I drive through each week. I took that extra time to simply exist, to savour the moment. It felt like an act of inner kindness, a form of inner mothering.
Reflecting on the Journey
These small moments have taught me the power of turning this lens of kindness toward myself and fully leaning into it, allowing myself to receive it—to feel it, to expand into the moment. It’s about more than just treating yourself; it’s about fully embracing the joy and spontaneity that self-compassion can bring into our lives.
For someone who champions self-compassion, I realised that I don't show up for myself in a day-to-day way that feels joyful—I quite often rush myself along and stick to routines. But when we truly follow self-compassion, it takes us outside of our routine. It welcomes in spontaneity and joy. It expands the soul.
This shift has also influenced how I approach my goals. It brought up a lot about my relationship with the concept of the "inner mother." Even now, despite being a mum, I’ve never really felt connected to the words "mother," "mum," or "mummy." Those terms never quite fit. They always felt distant and uncomfortable, something I couldn’t fully relate to, as though they belonged to someone else.
As I reflect on these experiences and the impact they’ve had on my life, I find myself asking: what is my imprint of a mother? How has this imprint influenced the way I set my goals – and my ability to set them lovingly… my belief in myself to achieve them, and how I build self-trust and self-compassion as I journey toward them?
And now, I invite you to ask yourself the same: what is your imprint of a mother? How does it shape the way you treat yourself as you pursue your goals and live your life?
Reflective Questions:
Identifying the Critic: Take a moment to reflect on the last time your inner voice was critical. What triggered this criticism? How did it make you feel, and what impact did it have on your thoughts and actions?
Exploring the Origins: Where do you think this critical inner voice comes from? Is it shaped by past experiences, external expectations, or cultural norms? Understanding its origins can help you approach it with more compassion.
Reimagining the Voice: Imagine if that same voice were loving and supportive. What would it sound like? How would it encourage you instead of criticising you? Try to write down a few phrases or affirmations that a nurturing inner voice might say in moments of self-doubt.
Creating Space for Compassion: How can you create space in your daily life to practice self-compassion? Are there specific moments in your routine where you can pause and check in with your inner voice, gently guiding it toward kindness?
Transformative Practices: What practices could help you transform your inner critic into a nurturing ally? Consider journaling, meditation, or even speaking to yourself as you would to a close friend. How might these practices help you build a more compassionate relationship with yourself?
Embracing Imperfection: Reflect on the idea that nurturing doesn’t mean perfection. How can you embrace your imperfections with kindness, allowing your inner voice to offer support rather than judgment?
Connecting with Others: How does your inner voice affect your relationships with others? When your inner voice is more nurturing, how does it change the way you interact with the world around you?
By engaging with these questions, you can start to rewrite the script of your inner dialogue. This isn’t about silencing the critic once and for all—after all, that critical voice may still pop up from time to time. But it’s about recognising that you have the power to change the conversation, to cultivate a voice that is not just silenced but more helpfully... kind, loving, and deeply nurturing.
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