I really thought I would scream.
I was pretty sure I would feel rage swell up inside me – because the quickest way to activate my rage is to put me into cold water.
So I was pretty sure that I would scream, and swear, and that essentially the whole thing would not go well... and would pretty much just be an embarrassment. Because there were people watching, including my daughter. Which meant an additional pressure to quell the anticipated rage, shock and swearing to a minimum.
To make matters worse, I watched the people before me all morning. They were… calm… meditative even. I told myself they must have done this before. I was not like them. I would struggle.
Now, I’m actually ok with not being like others. I was even ok with how I thought I was going to react.
Even the embarrassment. The failure. The shame.
I was ready to hold space for myself to feel all the feelings that I thought would come up, even the rage. I was OK with not fitting in with everyone else. My goal was actually to meet myself there, where ever “there” was – be it rage, shame, disappointment or “not good enoughness”. It was far more important to me to meet myself authentically rather than to silence or gaslight myself into another experience.
There were a few reasons I set myself this challenge. The main one was to see what the mental journey was: what stories did I tell myself to stop myself? What came up for me – beliefs? Feelings? Worries? Because in all likelihood, these would be variations of the things that hold me back in my day-to-day life.
For years I've heard about the potential positives of ice baths: improved alertness, reduced pain… decreased inflammation. To be honest I hate cold water so much I hated even hearing about it. I was pretty convinced that these people were just "those health people", you know... those ones. Which apparently meant that I was not one. I was definitely not like those people. I was also fairly sure I would get hypothermia given how badly I react to cold water.
But…
I was determined... I knew I was going to do it. But how I did it was a complete surprise.
I thought I was going to strong-arm myself in… jump in, panic and jump into the hot tub next to it. A dramatic battle between my determination and my fear…
I thought I was going to force myself. I was so set on the goal of doing it, of having done it, that I was prepared to almost violently coerce myself into achieving it.
I had fallen into my old pattern… I had convinced myself that the only way through was this challenge was sheer force and relentless willpower.
And boy does that sound familiar… it lit up the old version of me that would over-work. That old belief system that success and accomplishment would only come from pushing myself to the absolute limit.
It was the same belief system that had driven me to overwork to the expense of everything else in my life. That if I could just ignore what my body and soul was screaming at me, then I would succeed.
How ironic to be brought back into that mindset for an act of “self-care”. How enriching to face it again, to be humbled into learning it again and to bring that belief system back into my awareness.
Now I wish I could say that I learned this lesson before I plunged into the ice bath. I wish I could claim the glory of meeting myself differently… but in this moment I was overcome by the determination to push through.
But to my surprise, there was someone there to coach me through it. He helped me to centre myself. To create a protective energy bubble around myself. To work with my body to create energy and flow before getting into the water…
To use my breath as a source of power to help my mind stay focused... To actually enjoy the experience. To find it meditative... almost.
To come back to one of my core values as a coach: that the goal is meaningless if we hate the journey. The whole point of setting goals is to stretch who you are, into where you want to be – and you do that… you become who you want to be… by enjoying the journey. It’s more sustainable, as it means when you achieve the goal you have enjoyed it and can revel in the experience and this discovered version of yourself. But more so, it also makes the process worthwhile. It makes it transformative – and that’s kind of the point of goals.
Emerging from the cold water, I felt a sense of transformation. I hadn’t just achieved the goal; I had embraced my felt sense and experience throughout. I had honoured my inner strength… I had worked with my body, honoured my body, connected to my body and felt incredibly proud of my body. I had connected to a deep mental strength that was so much stronger, and wiser, than the specific mental strength it takes to achieve goals via self-destruction.
This experience reminded me that the most meaningful growth comes not from sheer force, or from self-destructive approaches, but from a harmonious blend of determination, self-compassion and an ability to receive help from others when you find yourself stuck in a narrow perspective, blinkered in your approach.
It reminded me to embrace vulnerability, face discomfort head-on, and that fear can be transformed into a meditative experience through presence, breath and vulnerability. It reminded me of the power of community support, alongside the importance of balancing strength with self-care, and the value of setting goals that enrich our lives rather than deplete us.
And with that, I now feel ready to face the chillier moments that life might bring - not with brute force, but with a mindful and resilient spirit. Our true power lies in our ability to adapt, to remain calm amidst the chaos, to find tools that can empower you to do things you never thought you could do – and I’m finding more and more that is about coming back into your body, honouring what that feels like, and resourcing yourself from that inner strength… to find inner warmth even in the coldest of moments… to empower yourself to be brave, and to be kind.
And honestly, I want to do it again. So I guess I have graduated to one of “those” health people. But that also makes me deeply feel the story of “I can’t, I can’t, iiii can’t but they can”. That it comes from not feeling enough, not having what it takes, not feeling good enough in comparison to someone else… but they are not better than you. They are not more capable. You are more capable than you have ever imagined. What I’m really discovering is that the only difference between me and them, is how freely they let themselves live. It’s time to take the plunge into freedom.
*Super-speed video of me not raging, and in fact, by the end, laughing and smiling.
*With deepest thanks to Lou from Cold Water Tribe who met my fears and helped me to find unexpected joy. If you are local to Holmfirth they offer community gatherings that revolve around the idea of connecting to the elements around us, with fire gazing, cold water wild swimming and breathwork.
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